Masking mental health issues with alcohol also hides abuse
“Alcohol has flowed through every aspect of my life,” Will says as he reflects on what brought him to RISE last year under a Police Safety Order.
“I’ve been drinking since I was a teenager. My family are all heavy drinkers. We are the exact picture of the culture of heavy drinking in New Zealand families that Patrick Gower talked about [in his documentary, “Patrick Gower: On Booze” on ThreeNow last year].”
Will says growing up in a rural community, there was alcohol at home every day.
“Every night, every weekend, every celebration, alcohol flowed through everything in my family. So, it was just normal to me.”
Now, in his late twenties, Will is a dad to three kids and is working through a custody process with his ex-partner through the family court. He has a successful career and sees himself exactly as Patrick Gower presented himself to the world.
“I come across as professional – because I am – and being good at work has helped me cover up what was happening behind the scenes.”
In the same way as Will was raised, he says alcohol has been part of his adult life and relationships. He dated people and together they drank heavily. His ex-partner and he would drink heavily before they became parents. After they had children, Will kept drinking. He says he used alcohol to control depression and anxiety.
“I have a purpose when I’m at work and I look like I have my life together. But then I would drink alone before I went home at night. I’d drink on weeknights and heavily on weekends. Alcohol was the social lubricant that would make me feel confident. When I’m out of the suit, I feel like I’m faking it.”
Then one night an incident happened while Will says he was having a mental lapse and drinking. He scared his ex-partner and their children. That incident resulted in the Police Safety Order and his coming to RISE and attending the Non-Violence Programme.
His work in the programme helped him see that he had been verbally abusive to many of his partners, even if he didn’t realise it at the time.
“I’ve talked to some of my older partners and apologised for my behaviour as part of the work I’m doing,” Will says. “They told me what I was really like then and I’m not proud of it. I know I was abusive. I am grateful that one of them said to me, ‘there is a side to you that is really dark, but it’s not the person you are most of the time.’ I was relieved when she said that, that she recognised that in me. It gave me some hope.”
At RISE, Will took the Non-Violence Programme with Dr Victor MacGill.
“I’ve seen so many therapists and counsellors over the years. I’ve almost died twice by my own hands. I would only get so far with those therapies and then everything would fall apart. But seeing Victor at the same time I was seeing my current counsellor was incredible. Together, they helped me and maybe it was just the right time in my life, but I have very clear goals and intentions this time.
“With Victor I had quite a few lightbulb moments. He helped me restructure my thinking and showed me how to approach people in my life differently. I built a good relationship with him and it felt really good to get a lot of things out when I talked to him.”
Will also has come to see that the relationship with the mother of his children was toxic for both parties who each contributed to the family’s destabilisation. One of the things Will recognises is how to manage himself better in these situations, including standing up for himself more and voicing his feelings in the moment.
“I learned how to calm myself in stressful situations so that I don’t act out of anger. But I also am learning, as I continue working with a psychologist, that I need to voice my feelings more and speak out so other people know what’s going on in my head. I’m not the only person in a relationship or in a family and as long as I am truthful, open, and honest and speaking about what I’m feeling, then the others in my relationships will have more information about me and know how to act accordingly.
“My word for the year is awareness. I am more aware of my situation, others’ situations, my emotions, my thinking, the people around me and the needs of those people. I’m paying attention to the situations I put myself in. I am eating properly and exercising and doing well at work. All of this is helping me be a good dad.”
The custody process has been difficult for Will and he has not been able to see his children since last August. His primary goal is to see his children and be the dad they need. He’s keeping physically well and his mental health is improving, he says.
“I’m dealing with everything so much better than I was before. But I am human and I have lapsed during this process. I’ve been sober for several months and I’ve been open about my lapses. I’m taking everything one day at a time. I want to keep doing what I’m doing – keep the four pillars of my life standing to hold the roof up (a reference to Te Whare Tapa Whā, which is part of the non-violence programme).”
Will plans to attend RISE’s Dads Programme once he’s in a better place with the custody process. He started it last year but felt he didn’t have the capacity to continue, with so much going on in his life, but he plans to finish once life is more settled.
“Right now my work and my children are filling my tank. My main motivation is to be a good father and good role model for my kids. I want them to be good people and that is my biggest driving force. I know one thing, my own relationship with my father was terrible and I don’t want to continue that trend with my kids. I’m going to do better.”