Small bursts of anger leave a lasting impression

“I never talked about what bothered me before, now I have much more confidence to open up”

By Ben*

My wife thought I suffered from depression and got angry easily. She told this to her counsellor. I disagreed when she told me about this. Actually, I agreed with the depression part but I didn’t agree with the getting angry easily part.

She told her counsellor that I wasn’t abusive in any way. I suppose this was a relief. But her counsellor said that anger is a form of violence and that anger may manifest itself in other ways that are even more violent.** For 30 years I have been focussed on the depression but the counsellor, in very short time, honed directly in on the anger. This was a bit alarming.

I have always been a shy and nervous person. I never want to rock the boat. I don’t bring up issues that bother me. My father never talked about anything. I didn’t have brothers growing up. I didn’t have friends who talked about their feelings. I never felt the need to express myself or feel it was my place to bring anything up.

Fast-forward into my late teens and I brought up depression to my GP. This started a long trend into my early 30s where I still didn’t talk a lot but I was given various pills to try, all with no relief. I always felt a bit of depression but it wasn’t until I saw a counsellor through a work programme and I opened up for the first time about how I felt. They suggested I talk to a psychiatrist and I did but it too went nowhere after I felt no consistency in those visits.

Now I’m nearly 40 and I heard what my wife said and what her counsellor said and I started thinking more about my behaviour. I have bad days at work like everyone. Sometimes at home when I’m cooking dinner and I spill something or drop things, that sets me off. I swear and kick benches or doors. Simple mistakes, little things, they do set me off. I grab a pot and the handle falls off and then the anger comes quickly. Clearly all of this had made an impression on my wife.

Her counsellor mentioned RISE to her. I made an appointment to see someone at RISE and talked initially about all of this. The clinician recommended I sit in on the Non-Violence Programme group. Hesitant at first because I didn’t think it was a group for people like me, I joined in. I assumed it would be full of the worst of the worst, people who abused their partners and children terribly. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Everyone there was pretty much in a similar place as I was – although with varying degrees – of having messed up with their family and wanting to do something about it. They had the right intentions to improve themselves and be better people for their families, like me. I was my usual self: shy and nervous, unwilling to share. We were all encouraged to talk and after the first couple of sessions I felt much more comfortable to be me. I saw myself belonging there.

By the second week I found value in going, it was that fast. I never had the experience of opening up to a group of men before. But talking in the group gave me confidence and each week that confidence grew. By the end, I felt very accomplished about the way I was able to open up to these men and I left inspired by their progress and my own. Actually, I’m pretty stoked that I feel such confidence in opening up. I owe it to those other men in the group who inspired me. Since group ended, I have opened up to several friends and family members about my attendance at the programme, which I would never have done before.

We all came away with tools and a better understanding of ourselves. I was most inspired by Te Whare Tapa Whā, how the four walls need to be equally in good shape or the structure starts to falter. I know more about what triggers me and how I can work on slowing down and stepping back before the anger flares.

My wife has definitely noticed changes, that I’m happier and less angry. I have also started antidepressants that are working for me.

The RISE facilitators are really dedicated to what they do and they have such a passion for this work. I am so grateful to them. I am carrying on with more individual work with a clinician at RISE and I’m excited to see what I get out of that too. The group work already exceeded my expectations so I’m hopeful for this next step.

*Thanks to Ben for sharing his story. We are using Ben’s first name only to protect his privacy.

**At RISE, we make a clear distinction between anger and violence. We believe anger is part of the range of healthy, natural emotions. It’s ok to feel angry. It’s useful to know where the anger is coming from so you can deal with it in a healthy, safe way. It’s never ok to react to anger with violence.