‘I didn’t want my son to live in fear’

My son was my motivation to come to RISE and get help with my anger. I have a two-year-old son who I’m raising by myself and I didn’t want him to be scared of me.

I can be quick to anger and get really wound up. It can be hard for me to come back from that emotion if I get angry. I wanted to get help with my anger, as I didn’t want my son to live in fear of his mother.

Another organisation I was working suggested I attend RISE and I was matched with RISE Clinician Michelle for 10 one on one sessions.

I was initially worried that I wouldn’t learn enough in that time, but I shouldn’t have been.

I work well with facts. I need to know the information that sits behind something to be able to put it into practice. I learnt a lot from Michelle and I’ve been able to retain the information she has taught me.

Michelle helped me understand what was happening to my son’s brain when I got angry. She taught me about what trauma does to the brain and helped me understand the long-term consequences of trauma. That has really stuck with me.

Michelle also taught me that anger as an emotion is OK, it is the behaviour, or actions, that come with getting angry that is not OK, intimidation and stuff like that.

I’ve taken the knowledge I learnt from Michelle and added it to the way that we live our lives, and now I live in prevention. Because I’m so quick to anger, I have to try to prevent getting angry as much as I can, while still living my life.

Michelle has given me tools to help me regulate my behaviour, as I was never taught how. She also provided heaps of handouts that I have on the wall and refer back to.

I do a lot of self-talk now, to change the thoughts I have. Michelle taught me how to catch a thought and change it. I’m not always perfect at it, but I’m better than I was.

I’m big on telling myself now that it is OK the house is a mess, and it’s OK I feel angry about it. But I won’t let myself get wound up about a messy house now. It just doesn’t matter.

It has taken a lot to do that, and it’s a work in progress. I still get frustrated. It’s a balancing act most days. I used to get wound up about the littlest things – things that in the big scheme really don’t matter. I’ve still got medication for when I get really wound up. I used to take it three times a day sometimes, but now I find I don’t need it every day and I’m still calm.

One of the other big things I’ve done since working with Michelle is to stop setting my son and I up to fail. My son is two and he has some developmental delays. He can’t talk, so we communicate largely on routine.

I don’t take him into situations where I can get angry. For example, I’ll pick and choose when I go to the supermarket. I’ll take him to the shops, but I won’t bring him along on big supermarket shops.

I also do a lot of my jobs, or personal stuff, while he is at kindy. When he’s not at kindy I just make myself fully available for him now. That’s how I’ve been managing it. For example, if I’m doing something around the house and he needs me, I’ll stop straight away and focus fully on my son if he wants my attention. One tool I learnt from RISE that I use a lot is to just allow myself to just be. I specifically wind down and slow down and slow everything else down so when I’m with my son it is not chaotic.

My clinician Michelle explained how trauma affects my son’s brain and the long-term impact, helping me understand how my anger was affecting him. Photo: Pexels

I’ve toned down the frustrating angry stuff. We have cuddles now and I’m readily available for my son when he needs me when I’m at home. I’ve just accepted that’s the way I have to live my life with him, and it’s okay. In fact, I like it.

My son’s nagging used to trigger me, because noise triggers me. So now I don’t give my son a lot of chances to nag me because I’m available for him all the time that he’s with me.

Michelle and I talked a lot about my trauma and what triggers me. I have a lifetime of trauma, firstly from being in traumatic situations that I couldn’t control because I was too young and then from situations where I didn’t make good choices.

I feel different after working with RISE. I don’t live in guilt all the time.

There is still an odd occasion where I think I should have handled something differently, but I’m not living in guilt all day every day like I was before. All my son has is me, and I used to feel sad for him that he was at home stuck with me being angry at him. I don’t go to bed feeling sad for my son anymore.

I would definitely recommend RISE to others. Michelle has also helped me connect better with my teenage sons. I would like my two older sons, and their father, to work with RISE.

Michelle was really good to open up to. I find it difficult to open up easily which can make it hard to learn. She has a lot of knowledge and can hold a space really well.

Out of all the people that have given me help since moving to the Nelson region I was saddest to finish working with Michelle. I didn’t want to finish my course at RISE. Michelle was excellent at her job and helping me change my daily outlook on things.

I show my son a lot more love after working with RISE, because I’m not yelling at him anymore.