Coming to terms with a relationship dominated by power and control
“It was the strangulation that blew her mind,” says RISE Clinician Lara Buswell.
Lara conducted several initial assessment meetings with Kath* during the introductory phase of her time with RISE (formerly SVS – Living Safe). We told you Kath's story in 2021 - she left a long-term relationship with the father of her two kids after he strangled her. The strangulation episode was the second in their relationship and it came at the end; the first episode was near the beginning of their time together and, although it was alarming, Kath had talked herself out of thinking it was going to be a problem. What Kath didn’t realise at first is that there were hundreds of little behaviours all through the years that added up to a typical pattern of coercive control.
Coercive control is a pattern of acts including assault, threats, humiliation, or intimidation that makes a person subordinate to their partner and dependent. Coercive control isolates the abused person from their personal support and erodes their independence. A controlling partner will sometimes check their partner’s phone or call them when they go out with friends or family. The controlling partner says they do this because they love you and are worried about you, but it is a form of abuse.
Lara heard Kath’s story and recognised the signs right away.
“He’d say to her, ‘Oh, you’re wearing that tonight’ or ‘Are you gaining weight’ and these statements are like little seeds, planted over time and for years, that build up. He’s not slapping her or being physically abusive, but he’s working little by little to gain power and control in order to insure she stays with him, that she knows that no one else other than him will want her. It’s most definitely a form of abuse even though it’s not physical.
“All of the building up of these comments over many years chips away at your inner confidence. You get to a point where you start to wonder who you are. I’ve heard countless women say to me, including Kath, ‘I feel that I’ve lost myself. I was this person back then and now I don’t know who I am.’ And that is the result of a coercive control relationship. The partner slowly gains the power and then you just feel trapped and willing to accept whatever this person gives you, which ultimately could be physical abuse.”
Reaching out to friends or family usually doesn’t happen either, Lara says, as many women find it too hard to confront someone, to leave, or even to talk about their concerns. They push friends away who confront them in a caring way. It’s quite common even for the partner to interfere and manipulate these family or friend relationships too. Lara says that it often that comes in the form of negative comments the abusive partner makes towards friends and family, followed by a
statement like, “I’m the only one who loves and understands you.” Slowly, the abused person unknowingly isolates herself further and becomes more dependent on her partner.
Lara says that even though it is difficult to inspect a relationship and break it down, it’s the only way to have a clear understanding of how to handle the situation if it comes up again.
“If you don’t break down the relationship and look at it and examine it, you’re more likely to go into another negative relationship. You need to do the work.”
Kath’s time with RISE included her introductory work with Lara and then a group programme with other women who had similar experiences. Lara is pleased with Kath’s progress and how she is now flourishing today.
“She now knows what those red flags are, she has a checklist of behaviours, both for herself and for a future partner. It’s so important to trust your gut feeling – it’s usually right.”
*Names have been changed to protect those involved.